New Divide

I was waiting for the bus at the bus stop. The weather was dark and gloomy, but I like this kind of weather. Is the kind of weather that comes right before a big storm. It is chilly, but not too cold and I can see the black skies in the distant. It makes me feel kind of good.

I put on my hood, just because. I don’t know, something made me do it, maybe the feeling that it will start raining soon. I saw a lightning strike in the far distance, an amazing view. On more thing that makes me feel right in an odd way.

I remembered black skies

The lightning all around me I remembered each flash as time began to blur.

Like a startling sign
That fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard
That I get what I deserve…

Yes, it was just like that day… The day of the new divide. 

                                                   *

I remember when we were just kids. Normal and happy kids.

My parents and Caitlyn’s parents knew each other for a long time, my father was a classmate of her father and they managed to keep their friendship stable despite taking different paths. I hope I manage to do the same with my friends one day. So, our families frequently met at picnics, dinners and so on.  We all lived in a small town called Oakheart, where I still live with my parents.

It was unavoidable – Cait and I became really close friends. The first thing I remember was the cardboard fortress we made in my parent’s living room. We were very little, Cait was a guest in our apartment and we made the fortress out of boredom. Of course after we spend two hours “composing” the cardboard, we watched in admiration what we somehow created and destroyed it in less than five minutes while laughing and screaming like crazy. But that’s how things work with children, I suppose.

I remember a lot more experiences I had with Cait – how we explored the “wild” forests and parks when we were on a picnic with out parents, how we were convinced that we could see ghosts and fairies which other people could not notice, how we cured snails and other animals (poor creatures). Cait and I wanted to become wildlife biologists and help wild animals.

I have so many good memories with this girl. I had my first “dance” with her – it was my birthday, if Im not mistaken, we danced valse, if what we did could be called a dance at all. At that time I got my first cheek kiss, I was really taken aback by it considering I was around five or six years old. It meant a lot for me. Of course I wanted to return the favor and show her that it means a lot to me, but by the time I realized what has happened she was off to somewhere and I fell of the swing I was sitting on. So, in the end I kiss the ground. However, this was a pleasant experience for me… And still is. I remember that the same day Cait showed me her “eating puppet”, which she stuffed with cotton because she was afraid the puppet might become too thin and die… Actually the puppet became fat for real and Cait’s mother had to rip it and get the cotton out before the puppet exploded. All this little things are now precious memories.

Unfortunately when I was seven or eight the new divide appeared.

So give me reason
To prove me wrong
To wash this memory clean
Let the thoughts cross
The distance in your eyes
Give me reason
To fill this hole
Connect this space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies
Across this new divide…

Cait’s father was a lawyer and our town is small. It’s not suitable for such kind of a job. Unfortunately he also realized it at some point and decided that the new capital – Orfold would be a better place for his family. 

I remember the day I was told that they are moving, and understandably it was not easy for me to let such a close friend go just like that. Actually at that time I didn’t really understand what was happening and why. One night my father just told me: “Tomorrow we will be going at Cait’s place, maybe for the last time”. I asked him why and he answered that they are moving in another city. It could have been the last time indeed, Orfold was at somewhere around 350 km away from Oakheart, it could be really hard for us to see each other like anymore. Of course, this fucked up my mood for a long time.

That night was not like any other until that time. At some point we did have fun, but it couldn’t have been the same as before, we both knew that this might be the last time we saw each other. It was clear that both of us were uneasy. On the next day, my parents and I went to see Cait and her parents off. It was just like that kind of pleasant and sad in the same time days – there were dark clouds in the sky and it was starting to rain, lightning bolts were shining in the distance – a storm was coming. I can only remember that I was really sad and I could barely take my sight of the ground so I can meet the one of Cait and properly say “goodbye”.

    -         We can write letters to each other… - Cait tried to smile, but it couldn’t happen, she was still observing me with a gloomy look.

    -         Of course… - I said with a faint smile

The next thing I remember was how Cait waved unhappily from the back of the car’s window. Not before long the storm arrived.

A while after Cait left, I was still wondering or more likely worried if she would find friends in the new city and if she wouldn’t be bored without me. I was feeling emptier without her of course, but I didn’t know if she felt the same. I remember that I sometimes imagined that the huge wardrobe in the living room is a monitor by which I can talk with Cait. I often “talked” with her and told her what’s going on with me and so on. I really missed her.

Not before long I found new friends of course, with whom I became close and had fun. Bit by bit I began to get over the absence of Cait, needless to say I did not forget about her, but I realized I have to start living my life like I used to and that being sad about her leaving would not help me at all and definitely won’t bring her back. I hoped she would do the same.

After a while I received the first letter from her. I had not forgotten what she said in the day we said “goodbye”, but I thought she only did it so we could both feel better. Seems like she had not forgotten about me as well. I was so happy and I answered her letter, in which she described the city, neighborhood and new house, in excitement. I was really glad I was going to keep in touch with her. I got letters from her every two months or so. It was exciting and every time I got home the first thing I did was check my mailbox, hoping that I would find a new letter from her. The exchange of letters went on for some time.

                                                       *

There was nothing inside                 
But memories left abandoned          
There was nowhere to hide              
The ashes fell like snow                   
And the ground caved in                  
Between where we were standing    
And your voice was all I heard        
That I get what I deserve                 

                                                    *

In those times I frequently spend the summer at my grandparents in the countryside. I had friends there as well, I had a lot of fun with them literally from morning till dawn – from 9 am till 9 pm with 2-3 hours of breaks for lunch. I was in the best part of my childhood. So, one summer, when I was in the countryside again, my mother called and told me I got another letter form Cait and she would send it to me at the address of my grandmother. I was naturally happy… I couldn’t wait to read the next letter I was waiting for so long. And when I finally got my hand on it, I read it in one breath. But that time, I did not know what to say in response. Cait described some kind of a show she had attended and the picnic she had with her family and her uncle. I didn’t have anything much interesting to say, so I had some problems with writing the response and kept postponding it. I was starting to get really angry about the damn letter I couldn’t write.

So give me reason                          
To prove me wrong                        
To wash this memory clean            
Let the thoughts cross                     
The distance in your eyes                 
Across this new divide                     

                                                       *

And each regret and each goodbye

Was a mistake too great to hide

                                                   *

As I said I had fun with friends every day. As hard as it is for me to say it I eventually forgot about the letter to Cait and left it unfinished. It was probably one of the biggest mistakes in my life. After a month I got back to my hometown, not before long my mother asked me if I answered Cait. And that was when I remembered about the letter to which I did not answer until a month or so for reasons that I don’t want to say or more like I don’t actually remember. I will never forgive myself. After I finally wrote the answer, I sent it with glimmers of hope that maybe Cait would write back after all… This did not happen. And it was normal, I understood her perfectly.

                                                 *  

I was around 12-years-old when I saw Cait again. Around two years had passed since the story with the letter happened. As soon as my parents told me that Cait’s family is coming to see us for just a few hours, because they were passing by out hometown, I felt a bit awkward. I didn’t know how to look at Cait again. By that time Cait already had a little sister called Jane. She was still a little kid, but she could walk (and run), make sounds (but not talk), make a huge mess and cry loud.

So, Cait’s family were already at the front door and my parents were inviting them in. In spite of the mistake I was never going to forgive myself about, I was extremely happy to see every one of them, even Jane, even though it was the first time I met her and I was a bit skeptical about the idea of Cait having a sister. All of them excluding the little girl, who couldn’t talk yet, greeted my warm and asked me about what I was doing, how I was doing and so on in details. Cait also smiled at me. For a second I though I was going to be let off with it, but even if it happened, I wouldn’t feel better and that left a mark in my memory for a while (or forever). When we were sitting on the coffee table I noticed the cold way Cait looked at me and acted. She was not the happy and loving Cait I once knew. I was not sure if she acted this way because of the letter or because the sudden change in the lifestyle and the new city she lived in. The new city obviously had changed her a lot, in which I got convinced more and more every time I met her. But I was also sure that the thing with the letter had something to do with it as well. Of course after a few minutes at the coffee table Cait and I were invited to visit my room and “talk at peace” by our parents. It was natural, but we hadn’t seen each other for two years and we had A LOT to tell. I was not surprised when we arrived in my room and the awkward silence fell upon us and we were both looking focused at the floor and we couldn’t say a word. I was sitting on the floor and she was on the edge of my bed. When I finally pulled myself together and looked her in the eyes, ready to start a conversation, there was a noise coming for the door – it was Jane, she was trying to enter the room. I opened the door and she went in, laughing happily. After she looked around herself and fond the stuffed animals, she immediately headed that way and I helped her get them. And then the long awaited conversation with Cait finally started.  
-  So, you have a sister now…

-  …Yeah… I am sorry, she …

-  No, no, don’t …

And after a few more seconds of awkward silence she asked me:

    -         So, how’s it going with you?

 And that’s when the real conversation actually started, flowing into different themes, and finally the tension got away. My guilt was still there, but I felt way better. Cait soon started smiling and laughing like she used to, which made me happier.

After that we played with a balloon, which Jane was chasing all the time. However, the balloon soon popped because of the heat the lamps produced and we went in the dining room to grab something to eat.

Of course Cait’s visit did not last long and soon she and her parents left with the promise to see us again soon. The time we had was far from enough to catch up, at least for me. Come to think of it, no matter how much time we would have had, it wouldn’t be enough.  

After they left, I was once again alone with my memories and thoughts. I though long and the longer I did it, the worse it got. The only thing I wanted was to see Cait again, as soon as possible. Soon is a relative term, especially in a situation like this. It couldn’t be soon enough anyway…

After that “meeting”, we met a few more times, but it was for just a while, maybe once in 5 months for a few hours. And when it comes to children at the age of fourteen, time flies too fast. The time we needed to ease the tensions was too much. So, I didn’t have many opportunities to talk with Cait until I became fifteen. The only time I spend more then two or three hours with her (as far as I remember) was one time we met at a chalet with a few more families we knew. There were other children with us of course, and it definitely wasn’t the same, but we had a great time. But of course the time was not enough again. And then we met again at a friendly family’s house in a village near my hometown, but it was pretty much like the time in the chalet.

                                                   *

In every loss in every lie                 
In every truth that you denied         
And each regret and each goodbye 
Was a mistake too great to hide      
And your voice was all I heard        
That I get what I deserve                 

                                                   *  

The first time I got closer to Cait again and we really talked about the old times was when I was sixteen. It was summer and out families decided to go on a holiday together. We went to the seaside, far away from my hometown. It was worth it. I finally got close to Cait and felt like I did when we were little kids.

We swam, jumped over waves, took long walks, played volleyball, ate and watched movies together. But the most exciting thing were the conversations we had. We talked about how our lives changed, how we changed since we got separated and there were definitely a lot of things to discuss. For the first time, I felt that the mistake I made might be overcome.

The vacation repeated a few more times. Each time it was more fun, but the time was never enough.

The truth was things were never going to be the same again…Never. We lived in different cities and we met really rarely, but that made our experiences memorable. Even if we didn’t get separated, out paths were going to become different at some point. In both cases, I wouldn’t forget her. Cait was an important part of my life and I hope she felt the same. I had a whale of a time whenever I met her, but I couldn’t help thinkinh how I might not see her again when it was all over. I couldn’t help it. I was still feeling like I betrayed her trust with that letter…

I remember that one time I tried talking with her about it and apologize in a way, even though I am not good at apologies and they always went wrong. I am not sure what she meant, but she smiled and said:

 - You get what you deserve.

I wasn’t sure if she inclined that I deserved a second chance, since she behaved warmly towards me once again, or that something like that won’t be forgotten. Even though this stupid story with the letter might seem like something meaningless, for people who knew each other for as long as they can remember, it was a kind of betrayal. Or maybe I was just over thinking, who knows… As for the new divide, as long as one has the will he can turn it into something insignificant. I hope that was the case with Cait and I, and I was ready to do everything in order to make the new divide disappear.  

                                                   *

So give me reason                           
To prove me wrong                         
To wash this memory clean             
Let the thoughts cross                      
The distance in your eyes    
Give me reason                   
To fill this hole                    
Connect this space between 
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies

                                                    *

I was waiting for the bus at the bus stop. I was going to catch the bus for the airport in Orfold, where I was going to meet Cait and probably have the best and most memorable four days in my life. We are now nineteen and we are going to visit one of the most famous and biggest music festivals in the world. Since I am going to be with Cait, it is impossible to not enjoy it to the max!